theatre family... maybe not

have you ever had those days that you couldn't put a name to what you were feeling? i get that way every time i see any theater thing when i know the people in it. maybe my major isn't important as i thought, being a techie only helps the actor. no one goes to a show to see the technical parts they go to be taken into a life other then there own. tonight i saw a show put on from the musical theater students in my school. the whole time i watched i wanted to be them the joy they get from what they do, it made me want to be good enough to do that with them. They always look so happy and have such good relationships. When i look at the technicians it doesn't make me happy because all i hear is people complain and bitch about each other, i feel that they are the mean girls of the school that don't care about anyone but themselves. i wish i could change this because a theatre is suppose to be a family that's why i even decided to theatre. in high school it was the only thing that i could fall back on when i could handle my mom and her bf problems. here its nothing like that, i don't see the family aspect. that's why when i fall for a guy its most likely an actor because they have more of the family style life, they seem more caring and sweet. Maybe one day it will change.... hopefully anyway.

depressing rambles

The past few days I've been feeling like crap. My depression is kicking in and I can't stop it. One minute I'm feeling great about myself and everything, then bam life is shitty. When I'm in class I see all these girls that are so pretty and it doesn't look like they have to try hard. I try so much and I get so tired of it I don't wanna try anymore. I'm hopeing when I go home next week I will start to feel better. Ah I'm rambling.. but as I lay in my bed and write this I have the depressed feeling coming over me. There some people that I see and they make me smile but it also makes me sad cause I want them to know how I am. They don't know I'm depressed, I want to have another person that I can talk to and have them be like I understand. On top of all this depression stuff. My life at home isn't going so well. My moms still with her abusive bf and she doesn't want to get rid of him and she started wearing the ring he gave her which makes it seem more real that she might get married to him and I really don't want that to happen. He pulls apart my family when I'm up at college. My mom and my sister get in arguements all the time and my sisters attuidue is changeingand I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone away for college, I know it was the best thing for me but I feel that me being away is hurting my familys relationship and I think some of it may be my fault. Even though I know its not I feel like it is. All these things going through my mind are driveing me nuts. I wish things would get better. Well that was my ramble of my life right now for anyone who's reading.

What you want and what you get are two different things

So I already wrote one today but I just got the feeling to write another. I just read something a friend wrote and it made me remeber high school. High school was nothing what I was told it would be. People say in highschool things are awesome that you make life long friends that you will regret missing anything, so I tried to do everything. When fridays rolled around I wore green and gold/yellow for spirt days, I went to all the dances, I went to the football games. I pushed myself to be involed as much as I could. My high school memories were not really good. I remember when my sister was in high school how every day she came hope happy, she had school spirt, she had amazing dance stories. I felt out of place, I would dress up but I would be the only one out of my friends to dress up, I could never get people to go to the dances with me and if I did happen to get my friends to go they wouldnt wanna dance or even on my senior prom I had one of my girl friends go with me and I barley saw her at the dance she left me so I had to look around for people to be with and when I found theatre friends I didnt fit it. I felt like i was the one just sitting back because I didnt have my friends there. When it was time to graduate I didnt cry, I wasnt around my friends the few friends I still had by graduation either had there other friends to be with or were still in highschool. When I look back at the pictures I took I dont think of good times I think of oh I dont talk to this person anymore or I try to talk to them and they dont reply. Iwish I had the memories other people have to go home and be so excited to see the people I missed while I was at college, sure I still do have 2 friends that are still close to me but they have there own lives going on. When I went home for winter break I sat in my house with my mom. I guess my life is not turning out what I always dreamed it would be like but in reality I guess it doesnt always turn out as you would hope.

winter 2011

Its already winter quater and what I wanted I still dont have! I wanted to have a group of friends that I can be super close with. Sure I have a few people im close with, but I have to spilt my time up to make sure I see them. We dont all hang out together. I want to have the friends that we can jump around or sing and not care whos watching. I dont think I have ever really truely had that, it was always what I wanted. I read books, watch tv and imagine haveing that friendship. Yeah most of those friendships start out when your younger, but I dont care im 18 and want to have that so bad. Maybe it will happen... sooner then later I hope.

friends

Ever since i graduated high school ive been haveing alot of friend problems. i help my friends constenly and i would be there for them no matter what but it seems like they dont appricate what i do. no matter how much i do for them they still hurt me and use me. i think i need to not have as big of a heart or just find new friends that dont treat me like crap. i thought the friend drama would end after high school but i was SO very wrong. it seemd like for a little bit it got then it got went way bad again just like it always did